One of the most difficult situations for a marriage that is failing occurs when one partner wants to save the marriage and the other one doesn't. If you're trying to save your marriage from divorce you will know that it's probably the biggest crisis that will ever occur in a marriage.
There are many reasons why someone wants their marriage to end. They may have become involved with someone else, either through a physical affair or an 'emotional' affair (where it hasn't reached the physical stage yet but may involve a lot of communication with another person through such things as texting or messaging on Facebook). They may have decided they are simply no longer in love with their spouse (the classic line, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"). Other stresses in life, including finances, health and family pressures, may make a person feel they need a change or simply just want to give up.
Whatever the reason, if you are married to a person who wants to end a marriage (but you don't), you will feel that you're battling, not just to save your marriage, but with them as well. It's as if your spouse is, at the same time, your loved one and the enemy that you're trying to win over against their will. You will probably feel that everything you have tried to do to save the marriage simply falls on deaf ears, and could even make matters worse by driving them further away from you and the marriage.
If you're trying to save your marriage on your own, you need to realise that no amount of trying to talk them into staying is going to work. They don't want to be there! The reason they want to leave is because they see the option of being away from you (whether with someone else or on their own) as more attractive than staying. Making things more unpleasant for them by putting pressure on them or making them feel guilty is only going to make being apart from you seem even better.
Think about the following: trying to get them to go to counselling with you, pleading with them, begging them, telling them how unhappy you are, getting angry or upset. Are any of these things going to make them feel better? Of course not. So stop doing them - immediately.
In answer to the question, yes it IS possible to save your marriage if your spouse doesn't want to. But to do this you need to apply a reverse psychology. It is also going to require a great deal of mental and emotional strength on your part. You can do it, but you also need to decide if you are willing to do whatever it takes.
To save your marriage with a resistant or reluctant spouse, the key is to understand that you can't force them to stay with you, but you can create the conditions where they decide they want to stay with you. They will only want to stay if they feel that it is a better alternative than leaving.
So your 'job' is to go to work to make you and your marriage far more appealing and attractive than leaving. Start by asking yourself the following questions:
- How can I make myself far more attractive and stimulating? Physically? Emotionally? Mentally?
- How can I relieve the pressures that are on my spouse?
- How can I relieve the pressures that are on our marriage?
- How can I make being married to me fun, interesting, stimulating, easy and exciting? (It was probably like this when the two of you first got together).
In essence:
- How can I give my spouse as many reasons as possible to want to stay?
What all this really means is not working on your spouse, but going to work on yourself. You can't force them to stay. But you can make them realise they would be foolish to leave.
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