6 Steps to Save Your Marriage When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce

Listen to an audio version of this article:

Trying to save your marriage - when your spouse wants a divorce - is probably the most difficult thing you as a married person could ever face.

Whether it’s because they have met someone else or the two of you have simply drifted apart, hearing the words, “I’m not in love with you anymore and I want to leave” can create feelings of anger, depression, hurt, fear and helplessness. It’s as if your whole world is coming crashing down all at once.

The good news is that there are things you can do to change their mind and stop divorce. Try the following steps and you might find that they are at least willing to consider staying to work on your marriage. At best, they will realise that your marriage is the place they really want to be after all.

Understand what your spouse is really saying to you.

When your husband or wife says that they want a divorce what they are really saying is they feel that being somewhere else (whether alone or with another person) is going to make them happier than staying with you. Somehow you’ve stopped becoming their best option. This makes the solution obvious: make your marriage a happier place for them than any alternative! It may take time, but it can be done.

Don’t try to talk them out of it.

Arguing, pleading, begging, getting upset, making them feel guilty, wanting them to “work on your marriage” with you - will any of these things make your spouse feel happier about being with you? Obviously not, so despite all temptations, avoid any of these behaviours, no matter how justified you feel.

Don’t be nice.

“I sent her flowers, wrote notes telling her how much I love her, bought her gifts, told her I would do anything to save our marriage - and she still wanted a divorce!” Trying to impress your spouse with kindness reeks of desperation. They will almost certainly think you are doing it simply to get them to change their mind and save your marriage rather than creating any real positive change in your relationship. Instead, simply be loving towards them without pressure - and that includes respecting their decision to leave your marriage.

Know that it’s not really over.

A relationship takes a while to develop and it equally takes time to unravel. Even if your spouse is on their way out your door and into someone else’s door, you will have time to get them back. To save a marriage takes time - but you have the time.

Take a good look at yourself.

Be honest, are you an attractive (physically and emotionally), fun, charismatic, easy person to be around? Do you make other people feel good? Do you feel good about yourself? Facing a divorce is not the easiest time to display these qualities! But if you want to save your marriage, be the best choice for your husband or wife by being your best. Work on developing the good aspects of yourself. It’s not only the best strategy for saving your marriage, but you become a better person too.

Don’t take it personally.

People want to end a marriage for all sorts of reasons. Often, they don’t even really know why themselves. Sure, your relationship might not have been good for a while, and you’ve probably done some things you regretted. However, being rejected by your spouse doesn’t mean that you are a bad person and that the end of your marriage is all your fault. Take some time to think about your good qualities, surround yourself with people who like and respect you and realise that both you and your spouse are simply doing your best.

I have met self-made millionaires who have built large companies from nothing and others who have overcome huge physical and emotional problems. They have all said that saving their marriage when their spouse wanted a divorce was by far the biggest challenge they ever faced. Stopping a divorce requires doing things that may appear counterintuitive. It can be done, however, with patience, belief and right action. And the rewards - in a stronger and happier marriage - are incomparable.